The Perfect Poem

A poem I found this morning that really sums things up~

Don't let them get too close -
Too close to see my pain.
Because if they look real close,
They will see the tears that fall like rain.
The room is picked,
And baby's things collected.
But, inside that empty room,
Something needs corrected.
Because there's a crib and a cradle -
There are baby toys and clothes too.
But, there is not a baby -
No baby to fill this womb.
I cannot stop the crying,
And my pain won't subside.
I'm lost for ways of trying;
I've run out of places to hide.
The holidays they come and go -
All the years that I look back.
And now I find the future's grim
When I look at what I lack.
I try to hang onto hope -
I try to wait and see.
But sometimes it's hard to cope
When I think it may never be.
I'm not the only one that finds it hard -
Sometimes I wish I were.
But, it's the hurt I see in his eyes
That digs in like a spur.
So tell me where to go from here -
Please tell me where to go.
Things just seem so unclear,
And it has challenged all I know.
It has tested and confused me.
It has brought me to my knees.
And now it's too hard to see
Just what you need from me.
Is it something I am doing wrong?
Is there something I can do?
You see, I've been waiting for so long,
And I've been crying out to you.
Please don't let this be a barren place-
In this place where my child should be.
Let me see your loving grace.
Please bring my child to me.
Rock-a-bye baby...
I hold you so dear.
Even if it's only in my heart
That I'm holding you near.

The 2012 Color Run ~ My First 5K

 

What a journey, what a challenge! 

On April 26th I had a thought- "Has anyone used the Couch-to-5K app? I'm thinking about doing it!" 

On April 29th I started my training- "I finished Day 1 of Couch-to-5K, it didn't sound too difficult but it was a little rough, not going to lie! That's the most running I've done in a very long time!!" 

Mind you Day 1 was a 5 minute warm-up walk, followed by 8 repetitions of 60 sec running and 90 sec brisk walking, finished with a 5 minute cool-down walk. Doesn't sound too difficult right? Yeah, that's what I thought.. here's what happened in the next two days...

May 1st- "I finished Day 2 of Couch-to-5K... I'm having a hard time believing this is going to get easier. In some aspects it was easier today, but it was definitely hard. I know, I know, it's only Day 2." 

May 3rd- "Finished Day 3 of Week 1... dear Lord kill me. I love the results I'm seeing from the program but I can't keep my endurance up. any suggestions runners?"

The program continued for 8 more weeks and finally-

July 26th - "I officially completed my 5K training!!! I increased my pace to 14.06 min/mile and did a distance of 2.13 miles in 30 minutes! So proud of myself!! A big thank you to those of you who cheered me on along the way and to my hubby for running with me! Now time to move on to 10K training!" 

When I started my training I wasn't sure if I was actually going to run a 5K, the whole thought sort of intimidated me. Then I saw Eric's cousin Alex did a Color Run, after seeing the pictures he posted I knew I had to do it! I registered for my first 5K, the Color Run in Milwaukee on June 6th! 

Then the day finally arrived, the Milwaukee Color Run on August 24th! My goal was to run the entire thing without stopping. We stopped once for water and took our time through all the color spots, but other than that I ran the entire thing! I'm so grateful for Rhonda and Becca cheering me and supporting me until the very end! The best feeling was seeing Eric waiting for me at the finish line with a big smile on his face. I had done it, I completed my training and my first 5K! I'm so proud of myself, I set a goal and completed it! I celebrated and danced with 10,000 runners including my sister-in-law, my husband, my husbands aunt and cousin and some of his friends! It was a blast, a perfect way to end an amazing journey! 

I've recently starting 10K training and I'm hoping I'll be able to do my first 10K on Thanksgiving! Wish me luck! 

 "Strong is what you have left when you've used up all your weak"

"Scared of Success"

While sitting at work yesterday and dreading making phone calls to insurance companies I realized, this is not what I want to do with the rest of my life. Yes, I love working in the medical field and I love medical billing, but it's not my passion. For the past couple of years I've been so busy with side jobs that sometimes I find myself taking days off work to get everything done. I always think, if only I had more time to design and create, I know I could do great things.

When I was younger we took family vacations to Door County and I remember a shop called the Pink Mailbox. It was my favorite store, it had all different types of stationary, stickers, stamps etc. Every year I would stop there and stock up. I told myself I would own a store like that someday, it was my dream! While in college everyone thought I was crazy for not wanting to work for a company and do corporate designs. I wanted to make stationary and wedding invites, things of that nature. I wanted the pleasure of being a part of people's special occasions and events. It's an honor to bring their visions to life.

I have the greatest support system a girl could ask for. My family and friends are constantly encouraging me to start my own business. A part of my fear in taking the big leap is that the market is so saturated with beautiful designs, that I honestly didn't believe my work was unique enough. However it must be since people are coming to me to create their wedding, shower and birthday invites. I was discussing my concerns with a girl at work and I told her that I was just scared and nervous and honestly didn't know where to begin. She looked at me and started to say "so you're scared of..." and just when I thought she was going to say failure, she said "success" I paused and looked at her and thought wow, I've never thought of it that way. I've never really been scared of failing because my mentality has always been, I'm capable of learning anything, capable of succeeding and even if I don't, I can't say I didn't try.

A few years ago I trained for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day and completed that goal. Currently I'm training for my first 5K and I have one more day in my 9 week program. In the beginning of that program I thought I was crazy for attempting to be a runner, everyone told me to take it slow and you'll be amazed how far you'll go. I learned while trying to do something physically different your mind is always telling you negative things, "I can't do this, this is too hard, this is impossible." It's when you tune out your brain you realize your body is telling you something different. I'm so proud of myself and I realized if I set little goals and complete them, at the end you've actually completed a big goal!

So I'm finally in a place where I'm saying "it's time!" I'm setting a goal and I'm working for a better future. Wish Sam and I luck as we start a new adventure and get our work known. Thank you to everyone who's supported my dreams and encouraged me along the way! I'll keep everyone updated as things develop!

The Pre-Baby Bucket List

I'm a firm believer that if you write down your goals, you have a better chance of making them happen. A to-do list or a bucket list if you wish. When I was single and not really looking for a relationship a coworker told me to write down all the qualities I was looking for in a boyfriend / husband, I would find that person. She said often women don't really know what they're looking for in a partner until they actually make a list and realize the qualities that are most important to them. If you meet someone and they don't match a majority of your list they may not be the right person, why waste your time? This spoke to me because I had found so many Mr. Wrongs. I was more than ready for Mr. Right. That afternoon I proceeded to make a list and kept it in my mind for a while. Soon after I started college I knew in my heart I was going to meet my husband. About half way into my first quarter I met Eric and low and behold, someone who met all the qualifications on my list!

It's with this experience that I believe it's time to make a new list. This September it will be two years that Eric and I have tried to start a family. While I still have my difficult days, I believe we are on this journey for a reason. That's why I've decided to make a list of things I would like to accomplish / complete before God blesses us with a little one.

My Official Pre-Baby Bucket List:

Start a family

Finish my Couch to 5K app (3 more days to go!)

Run my first 5K (scheduled for August!)

Start a Yoga class (already have a place picked, just need to go!)

Complete the bedroom renovations in our house

Organize my office / craft area

Organize the house and get rid of more clutter

Go canoeing or kayaking

Go hiking at Starved Rock

Start my side business, officially, website and all!

Go to Boston, MA (not too realistic, but hey, you never know!)

Pay off some more debt

For now these will be my goals, once completed I will start a new list! As you can see I have my work cut out for me, wish me luck! :0)

I'll Just Shake My Magic 8 Ball... It's Cheaper!

And... the latest, Eric went to the doctor on Tuesday and he was told everything looks good! The doctor said, if I don't see anything wrong then I can't fix anything. Told Eric that he should watch his diet and continue taking his multivitamins everyday and "it will happen." You have to love that statement, after almost 2 years of trying, you just want it to happen already. As if I wasn't confused enough about what direction we should go in, we might not have a choice. Conditions have to be right for us to do an IUI and with the way things are currently, we can't do one. I'm definitely not looking to do IVF so if that's the direction our fertility doctor advises us to go in, I'll be walking the other way. I think I'll just shake my magic 8 ball and ask it what we should do... it's cheaper than all the doctors we've been seeing!

I'm the type of person that needs to focus on a goal and I can't stop obsessing over it until it's been completed. I'm lucky to say that many of my goals have been met. Unfortunately starting a family has thrown me quite a few road blocks, but I'm determined to bust my way through them! In the mean time I've been focusing on getting into shape and improving my diet. Eric has joined me and we're hopeful that this will only improve our situation. As of right now I think we're determined to continue trying naturally, there's nothing saying we can't conceive on our own.

I have to say it wasn't until I became open with all of this, that I realized exactly how many people are thinking about us. I was debating purchasing the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor because I've been having trouble using the ovulation strips since I did Clomid. I want to be able to accurately track what my cycle is doing. I mentioned to my sister-in-law Andrea that I was thinking about buying one of these. They're costly, we're talking $200-$300!! Andrea mentioned that her friend just got one but ended up not using it and she's been wanting to see if I was interested in borrowing it... ummm.. YES PLEASE! I was so excited, I claimed it as my tiny miracle of the day. I'm hoping I have better results with this monitor and hopefully we'll be successful soon! The phrase that kept running through my head this week was, sometimes when it feels like everything is falling apart, it's really falling together. I know one day I'll look back on these blogs or ponder our journey and it will all make sense. :0)

One Step Forward... Two Steps Back

I'm going to start this post off by addressing my last post. I think it definitely shocked a lot of people both in a good way and a bad way. You have to understand a person can only hold so much information in until they want to explode!! While on most days I feel like we're alone in our battle, we most certainly are not. This affects our family, friends and my mood on any given day. Also for those who know me really well, I'm not one to not share. I love learning from others and getting different points of view on any given subject. With that said I definitely shared a lot of information and mentioned some things about Eric. So to clear the air, yes Eric knew I was creating this blog, did he read it, no, but by choice. I explained that I would respect his privacy and only say what I need to, to get my point across. While Eric's condition isn't the best, we're certainly not looking for donors folks! :0) It takes two to make a baby, my issues are his and his are mine.

Moving forward... on Tuesday May 8th we had our first appointment with the fertility specialist. Upon turning in all of my paper work (12 pages) Eric and I quickly discovered with the receptionist that I don't have infertility coverage with my insurance. While I had a feeling that was the case, my heart went into my stomach. Since I work in the medical field, I knew this was going to be expensive. Eric immediately noticed my panic and simply said, we're here, we might as well see what the Dr. has to say. I kept thinking, I'm going to lose it before I even make it through the doors. Luckily I held it together! Dr. Uhler is very nice, as Eric says, she talks very quickly but she's very knowledgeable! After discussing our medical history / records we came up with a game plan that we were all comfortable with. Eric will being seeing a Urologist next Tuesday for a consultation and in the mean time we're supposed to get a complete blood work up. A complete blood work up for me would be over $2,000, yep, believe it! Thankfully I've had a majority of the tests done already and while I haven't added up the new cost, it's still not cheap. When all of that is done and we've hopefully addressed everything on Eric's side we'll be ready for our IUI (artificial insemination). During that cycle (June or July) I will start on Clomid again and will be monitored by ultrasounds to see how many follicles I produce. Once it's time for me to ovulate I will be given a "trigger shot" of HCG which triggers the release of an egg. When the time is right Eric's sample will be collected, they will isolate the good sperm, wash them and concentrate them. then they will be inserted into my uterus. The idea behind IUI's is it places the sperm right where it needs to be to meet up with an egg. It eliminates the traveling, which believe it or not isn't a short distance. If I'm able to release more than one egg, our chances of conceiving are of course higher.

Now that the biology course is over.. (aren't you glad you're more knowledgeable on the subject!?) we can move on. Yes, the name of this post is One Step Forward... Two Steps Back. Allow me to explain. Any fertility treatments are not cheap, especially when you are considered a self pay patient. ONE IUI is about $1,800, granted when I was trying to add the numbers in my head and I saw this on paper I honestly thought, well that isn't so bad. Now remember, add the cost of the blood work roughly $1,000 and then Eric's appointment and treatment which is undetermined right now.... things start to add up quickly! For the past couple of days I've been thinking things over and over... can you really put a cost on starting a family?, if things work out well with Eric maybe we can continue trying naturally? Do I just bite the bullet and try it once? So many thoughts and not enough answers. Again, feeling slightly defeated, but reminding myself the battle has just begun!

Here is where I am with things currently... I'm going to support Eric's journey as he has supported mine when I went through my HSG and praying for excellent results! Once that piece of the puzzle is in place I think we'll be able to make a much better decision and plan to move forward. My gut is saying everything will work in our favor and hopefully we'll be able to try naturally for two months with some assistance and if worse comes to worse we do one IUI. Despite the battle and bad news along the way, I'm determined to keep a positive attitude during our journey!

To end this post I would like to share a story from my life this week. Our receptionist at work, Luba has a daughter who lost her job right when I started in December. She would share with me her daughters struggles to find a new job and how she would go on interviews to only be disappointed when they hired someone else. I would tell Luba that she just didn't find the right job yet, but it would come along, stay positive and it will happen. She would leave our conversation with, "Girl, if you pray, send one up for me!" This week her daughter had an interview and she was so nervous and swore it was the perfect job. She gave a presentation in front of 7 men (she's in marketing) talk about nerve wrecking! While driving into work one morning I decided to pray. I thought there are so many people praying for Eric and I these days, I need to start returning the favor. I told God that I hoped she would find a new job soon or at the very least point her in the right direction. Today Luba told me that her daughter got the job and couldn't be happier. The first thing that came out of my mouth was "Girl, I prayed for you!" and the smile on her face was priceless, she was so happy and touched. My Dad told me that prayer doesn't work like most people think... prayers don't make things happen, they set the conditions right so YOU can make things happen. Today made me realize and understand that prayers are the strength you need when you're most afraid, the courage you need when you think you can't go any further and the hope you need to believe that dreams can be a reality. Thank you to all of you who send a few up for us, even though I don't hear them, I feel them everyday!

It Always Starts at the Beginning...

I find it kind of ironic that I'm finally getting in a better place with our situation and I come to find out it's National Infertility Awareness Week. How appropriate! That's when I knew I had to document our journey thus far. As my title states, it always starts at the beginning...

Eric and I got engaged in 2008 and got married in 2010. The long engagement allowed me to finish school and allowed us time to save for our wedding. Before we even got engaged we both discussed our expectations in starting a family. I wanted kids right away, after all we weren't getting any younger. I also wanted to ensure that our parents would be able to enjoy their grandchildren for a long time. Eric agreed and whenever anyone would ask him, so when are you having kids, he would simply reply, "whenever, it will happen when it happens." Out of the two of us, Eric is a lot more patient than I am.

Shortly after our wedding, September 2010 to be exact we started trying. That first month of trying I was so nervous, the dream of having kids was becoming a reality. If everything went as planned we would be parents and our lives would be changed forever.

Unfortunately things didn't go as planned... October 2011 I found myself sitting in my doctors office feeling defeated and broken. I couldn't understand why after a year of trying we were unsuccessful. My doctor decided it was time to run some tests. Needless to say I was scared, I'm not one for pain or being poked, but I knew this was the only way we were going to figure out what was going on. In November I went for an HSG which is a procedure that is done to make sure your fallopian tubes aren't blocked. A catheter is inserted into your cervix and dye is inserted into your uterus which is then pushed through your fallopian tubes. While this doesn't sound all that invasive, it was one of the most painful procedures I've ever had done. Luckily I was able to watch everything on a monitor while it was performed and I knew before leaving everything looked good. Even though I was happy about the good news, I was feeling awful and just wanted to break down.

Eric took care of his tests (oh the ease of being the guy) and his results were given to the doctor. We met with the doctor a week after all the tests were done to figure out our next step. Our plan of attack was for Eric to give another sample so the doctor had two to compare and for me to start on Clomid. I started at the lowest dosage and I would have to take it for the next three months. I had many reservations about taking Clomid, the risk of twins, the side effects or being over stimulated by the drugs. After a few conversations with Eric we decided I was going to hold off for a month on taking the Clomid. The HSG procedure not only looks for blockage, it's also known to enhance fertility up to two months. With this in mind I thought it was best we tried naturally one more month. After receiving the same results in December I stared the Clomid in January.

In November I had already scheduled my next appointment for March, with the idea that I would be done with the Clomid and we could continue had it not worked. When I met with my doctor he seemed upset that I hadn't finished the Clomid as discussed and Eric still hadn't given his other sample. Immediately he said, well the best thing I can do for you is refer you to a fertility specialist. As soon as the words came out of his mouth I broke down, I felt as if someone just sucked all the air out of the room. He was shocked I had such a reaction and couldn't understand why I was so upset. I told him I felt like he was giving up on me and I wasn't ready to stop working with him, we had a plan and I wanted to finish it. He explained that Eric and I really didn't stay on track with our course of action and that he couldn't only work with the information he was given thus far. After calming down a bit I told him I would make sure Eric gave another sample as recommended and I would finish my last round of Clomid. I also explained that since I had started the Clomid I wasn't able to get a positive ovulation test. I've read that while on Clomid the drug can actually interfere with the ovulation tests and give a false negative. Not only that but I was experiencing the side effects, hot flashes, cramping, mood swings... it wasn't pleasant. I insisted that I was tested during this cycle to make sure I was still ovulating.  He agreed that we would finish what we started and I would get a blood test done on the 21st day of my cycle to ensure I ovulated. All with the understanding that after this we were going to have to seek other options if we didn't get pregnant.

On the 21st day of my cycle I went for my blood test and Eric did give another sample and our results came in. Luckily I had ovulated so my body was still on track. Eric's results were not the best and were consistent with the previous sample. Typically samples will vary, while one may not be the best, the next one could be. The fact it stayed consistent, we knew there was a problem. I had my yearly exam scheduled and this is when the doctor gave me the results of Eric's tests. After knowing my first reaction to seeing a specialist, he wanted to make sure I was prepared to hear it again... this time I was. On May 8th we go to see the specialist.

When I dreamed of starting a family with Eric, I never in a million years would of thought we would have problems. Automatically you believe it will happen right away, you never expect to be that 1 in 7 couples that will have to deal with infertility. For a long time I didn't want to talk about my concerns or disappointments with anyone. I always thought there's only so many times you can deliver bad news or so many times you can cry to someone over the phone or complain about your frustrations. I believed it was so hard to understand how I was feeling if you yourself hadn't experienced it. I had so many people tell us to just relax, forget about it and it will happen, go on vacation and it will happen, don't try so hard, etc. I knew in my heart something wasn't right and I wanted answers as to why. Every month started with hope and would end in heartbreak. There were a few month when I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe, Eric just held me until I was done and would remind me, it's going to happen. Through out all of this Eric has been my rock, especially since I'm emotional for the both of us. :0)

It wasn't until I started being more vocal about our struggles that I realized how many people were praying for us. I recently started doing some soul searching and praying of my own. My attitude about everything has completely changed. I'm very hopeful that our baby is on it's way. I'm hopeful that the specialist is going to be able to help us while understanding I'm a less is more type of person when it comes to treatments.

In the mean time Eric and I have been working on our house, taking short trips, doing things we enjoy to take our minds off everything. We also enjoy spending time with all our nieces and nephew and all our friends kids. I call it getting our kid/baby fix. Someone said to me, enjoy the fact that you can enjoy the kids and then give them back... I simply said I'm waiting for the time when I don't have to give them back, when we can spend Christmas morning with our kids, or Sunday afternoons in the yard... many would consider this the norm, I consider it a blessing.